DISCLAIMER: The following article is an April Fools’ Day article. Though it may relate to real people or events, it is not factual.
During the Fall 2016 semester, work is scheduled to begin on Calcia Hall for the sake of renovating it into a rock music venue, and the university is planning to partner with music industry giants Fender and Peavey to make the music nice, clear and loud.
Montclair State University President Susan Cole was struck with the idea when she was watching student films in Calcia’s film room. “The movie I was watching was about to put me to sleep, so my mind was wandering. As I was daydreaming, I pictured dudes in leather pants with guitars interrupting the film and thought to myself, ‘This would be a rad place for rock shows to happen,’” Cole said.
However, it soon became apparent that one room isn’t big enough to hold people for a big concert. “Cramming all of those people in that little film theater would be a fire hazard,” said Cole, “so we’re knocking down the rest of the walls and making the whole thing a concert hall.”
To facilitate this plan, Sony’s partnership will be followed by partnerships with Fender and Peavey, two of the largest names in the music equipment industry.
Dr. Karen Pennington, Vice President for Student Development and Campus Life, was the one to suggest this partnership: “I was in a hard rock band before assuming this position,” she said, “and we found that Fender and Peavey provided the loudest, clearest and most reliable gear for all the touring we did.”
Fender will supply the university with six electric guitars, two acoustic-electric guitars, four bass guitars, six guitar amplifiers and four bass amplifiers. Peavey will handle the rest of the audio set-up, with the exception of the top-of-the-line Blue microphones — which will be paid for through student fees.
Initially, only student bands will be performing at the venue. One of the first bands performing will be o. h., a group of fine arts majors whose music is about “rebelling against the establishment and protesting for the good of the art world,” according to the band’s website.
Cole plans for groups from outside of the campus to perform at Calcia within the first two months of the building’s service as a music venue. “Last week, we were talking to New Jersey native Bon Jovi about performing during the second month of the building’s new operations — you know, that guy that did ‘Livin’ on a Prayer,’” said Cole, who proceeded to sing the chorus of the song with “something something” in the place of words she couldn’t remember.
Students of the College of the Arts will not be rendered completely homeless by the new plans for Calcia. The college will permanently move to a shack built in the middle of the Student Center quad, which is expected to cost only $6,000 and take a month to erect.
“I’m actually really excited about the move,” said Johnathan Cerebros, a sophomore claymation major. “The best art is tortured art, and what better way is there to create tortured art than to be crammed with over a hundred people in a tiny, decrepit-from-the-start shack for three-to-18-plus hours a week?”