My body shakes with grief as I stumble through the doorway of my cold and lonely home. A home that used to be shared. I slam the door behind me and feel its support as I rest my back against it. Sliding down the wall, everything falls away from me. It’s as if I’m Alice falling down the rabbit hole, swirling through chaos only to land hard on the ground. When I was with him my happiness flourished like perfectly watered flowers. But now he is gone and my petals have begun to welt. And he’s here in front of me suddenly, like he never left.
“You know I love you,” he says. “But I can’t stay here forever.” Tears stream down my cheeks as I reach for him, but can’t quite get myself to touch him.
“Please don’t leave me. I can’t lose anyone else.” I reach out my hand and hesitantly rest it on his sternum. He covers it with his own. Those hands, which fit perfectly in mine as if they were made for me. Those hands, which once grazed every inch of my body and knew me like no other. They once wiped my tears and laced themselves through my hair. Now they hold me with pity. I look down at our hands. My hand shakes in his and he squeezes it hard. I close my eyes as hard as I can. “You promised me you would never leave. You promised.” I choke out.
He sighs.
“I know, but I couldn’t stop this. No one could. This isn’t my fault or yours. This was simply what was meant to happen. And I know this changes things, and change scares you but change can make you grow.” He drops my hand. My head is shaking.
“But my petals have wilted and I can’t make them grow.”
“Your flowers will bloom once again. Plant new seeds in the soil and watch.”
I open my eyes and he is gone. Just as he has left me each night before. And I have to remind myself that he was never really here. It isn’t right, but this unhealthy hallucination is all that keeps me going. Tomorrow will be different. I feel in my soul that he is not coming back. So I will plant new seeds and I will watch them grow. These seeds will be mine and mine alone. The seeds other people plant in my garden never last, they wilt and I am a garden of dead petals until the next person comes along to plant more. I have to plant my own seeds now. For him, for me, for us. The sun will rise and my flowers will bloom once more.
