Home OpinionEditorial April Fools: EDITORIAL: The Student Center is Outdated. It’s Time to Replace It With A Rainforest Cafe

April Fools: EDITORIAL: The Student Center is Outdated. It’s Time to Replace It With A Rainforest Cafe

by Colin Luderitz

For over 50 years, the Student Center has been an immeasurably valuable asset to the students of Montclair State University. But times are changing and the needs of students are vastly different from what they once were. This is why it’s time for the Student Center to be replaced with a Rainforest Cafe.

It’s true that the resources within the Student Center are vital to the lives of all students, both commuters and residents alike. But there is not a single resource within the Student Center that students would rather have than a giant animatronic elephant and an Iggy’s Piggy Sandwich.

The Student Center is a little drab in its current form, but that makes it the perfect choice for a Rainforest Cafe. Imagine the spacious areas of the ballroom becoming beautifully cramped with a fake jungle and echoing with imaginary rainstorms. Picture the Red Hawk Nest with a massive aquarium of colorful tropical fish. How about the Rathskeller just looking generally presentable for once?

The Rainforest Cafe brand is undergoing a renaissance thanks to Eddy Burback’s recent road trip visiting every single North American location.

Now, whenever someone thinks about Rainforest Cafe, they don’t think about that time in early 2017 when they went to the location in Disney Springs and got food poisoning, along with everyone else on their school trip and ended up spending the entire night clung to their friend’s toilet because the bathroom in their hotel room was taken by one of their roommates. Instead, they think of the funny mustache man knockin’ back some Safari Fries.

As such, a Rainforest Cafe could bring some tourism to Montclair State, as everybody knows that should be a top priority for any self-respecting university.

Maybe with a Rainforest Cafe, campus wouldn’t be such a barren wasteland on weekends.

Besides, let’s consider what resources the Student Center actually has. The bookstore? Who even reads anymore? The ID Card office? Come on. If you need a little plastic card to tell you who you are, you don’t belong in college, pal. The computer lab? Stop borrowing computers and start stealing laptops from Best Buy like a normal person.

Rocky the Red Hawk could use a chance to spread his wings as well. Thus far, the only other animals on campus are his bird family, some random deer, and that odd, little puppy Pebbles. With the wide variety of animal characters at Rainforest Cafe, such as the aforementioned animatronic elephant, Rocky can truly earn a chance to experience worldviews other than his own and stop being so close-minded.

It would also expand the dining options on campus, because as every student knows, it’s incredibly difficult to get a mediocre cheeseburger on campus. Rainforest Cafe doesn’t just have mediocre cheeseburgers, they also have mediocre chicken, mediocre pasta and chocolate lava cake that could make for a fun game of Russian Roulette for anyone brave enough to order it.

And in the end, one day, if the foolproof plan to turn the Student Center into a Rainforest Cafe mysteriously fails, Montclair State will have its very own venue for a Spirit Halloween.

You may also like

WP-Backgrounds by InoPlugs Web Design and Juwelier Schönmann