As we emerge into the fall season, spooky and lively Halloween stalks closer and closer. The best part of this holiday is the wide variety of candy that is nothing short of abundant and delicious.
As someone with opinions that no one asked for, here are my candy recommendations for the carefully curated cliques of Montclair State University:
Artsy Royalty: Sour Patch Kids
Fashion, art and music majors, this one is for you. You seem to have your life together and are ridiculously talented.
Like a Sour Patch Kid, my bitter feelings turned sweet and I can hide them no longer. I hated you until I realized I was jealous of you. The truth is that I love you and I want to be you.
If I had that much talent, I think it’d get to my head and I’d look like Megamind. You deserve recognition and a yummy treat. Be more entitled than a cisgender straight white man this holiday season.
STEM Majors: Twix
I questioned myself a lot about this, but alas, congratulations to the STEM majors for getting my favorite candy on this list.
Listen, I don’t like most of you, in fact, I find you insufferable. Just because you can code or inadvertently tell someone that they need therapy even if you’re right, it doesn’t make you a nice person.
To me, Twix are neat, perfection even, God’s gift to humanity and I am trusting you with it. You’ll afford to build a mansion out of them after you end up earning more money in a year than any of us will in our entire lives.
Film Bros And Media Minions: Nerds
Not sure if this is an unpopular opinion, but I’d argue that film majors are even bigger nerds than those in STEM. Ba-dum-tss!
You’re a plentiful little bunch that has infinite knowledge in pop culture, and whose Letterboxd reviews could land you in federal prison. Nonetheless, you’re talkative and sweet just like Nerds.
They do get old after a while so stop your candy consumption ahead of time just like how you should stop going to AMC movie releases every week.
Seriously, save your money.
Theater Kids And Musical Fanatics: Skittles
Composed of dancers, actors and performing arts individuals, my candy recommendation for this group is Skittles. Not only because the majority of you are big fruit aficionados, but it’s a light and fun snack. It will sure give you a sugar rush and make your intestines multicolored.
I’m sure one of you can write that into a play or skit and bring it to life for our wonderful student body. As a fellow writer, you terrify me but also impress me.
Good luck with your Halloween-adjacent endeavors this semester.
Frat Guys That Are Also Business Majors: Airheads
Too targeted? Cry me a river.
This particular brand of man is a know-it-all that has a very specific hobby and makes sure everyone within a five-mile radius knows it.
I’m no one to judge. I run my mouth and overshare in The Montclarion from time to time, but realize that sometimes it’s better to be quiet before you scare your romantic prospects off.
Get a taste of your own medicine, and eat an Airhead that will inevitably get stuck in your teeth. I hope the sticky, uncomfortable feeling humbles you.
The Humanities Enthusiasts: Haribo Gummies
I’m sure at this point of the semester you’re tired of reading and writing yourself to sleep. You need something to awaken the audacity and self-opinionated spirit that I know resides within each of us.
What better way than beheading and eating Haribo Gummies as you’re learning about the destructive consequences of capitalism, Plato’s Cave and world history?
Take it easy this upcoming Halloween and watch Nicholas Cage steal the Declaration of Independence. It will give you as much of an adrenaline rush as an in-class debate.
Everyone feels the buzz and excitement of dressing up, watching scary movies and having enough pumpkin-spiced foods and beverages to develop an aversion to it. Dear readers, I hope you remember me when you buy candy as it would certainly boost my ego.
Have a happy and safe Halloween!