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Jeffrey Lurie And The Philadelphia Eagles Should Be Paying My Therapy Bills

by Colin Luderitz

The opinion pieces expressed in this publication, The Montclarion, are those of the author(s). They do not claim to reflect the opinions or views of the The Montclarion, other than Editorials written by The Montclarion Editorial Board staff.

Ah, the Philadelphia Eagles. My beloved Philadelphia Eagles. Would it kill you to just have one game where you just, like, coast? Good lord.

A decisive 31-17 win over one of the best teams in the National Football League and my blood pressure was still through the roof. What gives? We are 7-1, we have a standout candidate for Defensive Rookie of the Year and yet, we cannot just mollywhop these fools, they have to hang around until the very last second? Come on, guys.

Jalen Hurts, our beloved quarterback. I love Jalen Hurts. You love Jalen Hurts. If you do not like Jalen Hurts, I am shocked you have read this far and can read at all.

But in any sense, daddy’s been off his game this year. Some seriously nasty picks for a guy who went to the Super Bowl last season. It is putting gray hairs on my typically luscious curls.

AJ Brown, though, that man truly has my heart. Five consecutive games with 125+ receiving yards? You are a saint. Love you buddy.

Jason Kelce, I also adore and he has been playing very well, but frankly, he might be the most responsible for my stress about this season. Dude went ahead and dropped the saddest NFL Films documentary ever made right onto Amazon Prime and expected me to not starve for a ring this season! You know, “an underdog is a hungry dog,” that whole spiel? I am hungry now, Jason! I wanna see that bling on your finger!

You may be thinking, “Colin, maybe the problem is not the Philadelphia Eagles, who are mostly winning by the way, maybe your problem is you are stretching yourself too thin and you have been ever since “Godzilla vs. Kong” came out and now you are grieving on top of that.” And while all of those things are very specific and I am not sure how you pinpointed “Godzilla vs. Kong” as the true turning point of my life, let me ask you this: if you dropped $90 on a Jordan Mailata jersey, wouldn’t you want him to get some more blocks?

I am a tired, tired man in my old age, 21 years old. I can’t spend any given Sunday this stressed about my beloved Birds.

Sure, the Philadelphia Phillies have my back, shoutout Trea Turner, but baseball is rarely as explosive as football! When’s the last time you saw a baseball player come barreling towards Matthew Stafford like a bat out of hell? Never, but Haason Reddick did it in Los Angeles! Two plays in a row! The most villainous sacks I have ever seen.

But even with those two breathtaking sacks, that game was still brutal until its final moments. Jake Elliott, man. He has bailed out those beloved Birds so many times.

My fellow Americans, I am sure you love the Eagles like any sane person would, but have you loved these past few games? Because I’ve loved talking trash in the immediate aftermath, but I have not enjoyed the games themselves! Every time Hurts drops back to throw the ball, my heart sinks in fear that he will throw another pick and become a $250 million Dak Prescott. Will that actually happen? God, no, but it is a terrifying thought!

In any sense, my very action of writing this simply proves that I am in need of a lot of therapy, but. darn it, Jeffrey Lurie should be paying for it. Howie Roseman can make such incredible trades, can he trade me a therapist? Please?

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