DISCLAIMER: The following article is an April Fools’ Day article. Though it may relate to real people or events, it is not factual.
As the saying goes, “birds of a feather flock together.” But is that all they do?
Rocky, Montclair State University’s beloved mascot, comes from a rather large extended family who seem to have a history of dysfunction. Ricky, Rocky’s demented-looking cousin, is a cloistered shut-in who apparently only leaves the confines of the nest once a year. But Ricky is far from the most disturbing family secret the Red Hawk family has.
Roxy, Rocky’s unnaturally red sister, seems to be more than family to Rocky. The pair have been seen wing-in-wing together more than once on campus, and Roxy features exclusively in Rocky’s Valentine’s Day posts on Instagram.
What’s more, Roxy used to be known only as Rocky’s girlfriend. But at some point, she was given her own branch on the family tree and now sits perched uncomfortably close to Rocky, both literally and metaphorically.
Apparently, the two lovebirds haven’t gotten the memo that they are in fact related by bird blood, because I thankfully don’t know any siblings who act the way Rocky and Roxy do. One member of Team Rocky, who chose to remain anonymous due to the long-term psychological damage they have suffered, came forward with their own disturbing experience.
“I was out on campus with the team for Valentine’s Day, so Roxy was there,” the source said, talking around the cigarette between their lips. “As we went back to the golf cart, I was walking behind Roxy and Rocky, and I saw them caressing each other’s tail feathers. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
They are not the only one who’s been affected by this disturbing relationship. I reached out to Rocky and Roxy’s respective families for more context. Rocky’s parents refused to speak with me, and Roxy’s father openly wept into the phone for over three minutes before hanging up.
Exactly how long has this incestuous tryst been going on? How are we to comprehend the moral conundrum of two lovers who have become siblings through forces outside of their control?
What makes this all the more unsettling is the age gap between Rocky, who turned 20 this past October, and Roxy, who is seven. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, someone tell me age works differently for birds.
Of course, everything is different for birds. Who am I to judge Rocky and Roxy based on my moot anthropocentric standards of an acceptable relationship? Is there something we can all learn from here?
Nah, probably not.
