If you are like me, you have had Gru and his disgusting little yellow abominations stuffed down your throat for over a decade now.
“Despicable Me,” released in 2010, was a surprise hit, delivering big laughs, a heartfelt emotional core and a well-tuned amount of minion mayhem. And then “Despicable Me 2” came out, and while the visuals certainly got an upgrade, there is no denying that the film’s story was not quite as heartfelt and there were a hair too many minions.
Then those little yellow war criminals got their own movie in the form of 2015’s “Minions,” a disastrous attempt at Tex Avery-style comedy that fell flat on a number of levels. “Ice Age: Scrat Tales” it was not.
I barely remember “Despicable Me 3.” It’s got that dope Pharrell jawn and that is it. Straying even further from the light of God was “Minions: The Rise of Gru,” which features a young Gru’s rise to villainy and leaves me begging for the one thing that made these movies worth their salt in the first place: Gru’s relationship with his adoptive daughters.
That is what we are here for, right? Not those little yellow balls of sin. However, truth be told, I do not think that “Minions: The Rise of Gru” is even chronicling the same rise of the same Gru that stole the moon (and our hearts) in “Despicable Me.”
I think that there are multiple separate “Despicable Me” universes because this timeline does not make an ounce of sense and I, an adult man paying $25,000 a year for a film degree, do not respect it.
Allow me to begin.
First of all, there are mini-movies included on the Despicable Me Blu-ray that clearly establish that the minions were genetically mutated creations of Dr. Nefario, who is played by an actor who I am willing to bet is not gonna be in “Despicable Me 4,” which releases in 2024 and will likely make so much money that Martin Scorsese will weep in front of a live studio audience at Lincoln Center for upwards of seven hours.
Anyways, “Minions,” which tries to peddle some trite about minions being a species that have followed villains since the dawn of time, is not canon. You could argue that the theatrical film takes precedence over a DVD extra, but there are blueprints in the background of Dr. Nefario’s lab for “minion prototypes,” so I am right.
It is made even less canon by its own sequel, “Minions: The Rise of Gru,” because the events of that film directly contradict its predecessor. “Minions” ends with Gru, in 1968, using a freeze ray to steal the Imperial State Crown from Scarlet Overkill and her husband Herb. The minions then follow Gru off into the sunset.
“Minions: The Rise of Gru” features an eleven-year-old Gru in 1976 as he attempts to join a gang of villains known as the “Vicious 6,” recruiting Dr. Nefario along the way.
For starters; how old was Gru supposed to be in “Minions,” huh? You are telling me he is three years old stealing the Imperial State Crown? Fat chance, movie. Second, if he did not recruit Dr. Nefario until the sequel, where did he get the freeze ray? I do not think those bad boys were in the Toys “R” Us catalog in 1968.
Not to mention that “The Rise of Gru” shows Gru hiring the minions from a classified ad, if I remember correctly. I don’t know. I only saw that movie once, it was at 9 a.m., I was crying the entire time but for separate reasons. Please do not ask unless you are willing to take me in your arms and hold me like you care.
So, as it stands: “Despicable Me” and its sequel, “Despicable Me 2” take place in one universe, “Minions” and “Despicable Me 3” take place in a separate universe, as those two films share a certain level of canon and “Minions: The Rise of Gru” takes place in yet another separate universe.
I am cold. I’m feeling alone right now. I do not know when the sun will shine on me again but I know it will. Until then, I have this.