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Andrew Cuomo 2024!

by Christopher Giacomini

Disclaimer: This is a strictly satirical opinion piece that does not reflect the beliefs of The Montclarion in any way.

For those living under a rock, the 56th Governor of New York State, Andrew Cuomo, has been accused of sexual harassment by multiple women. Rather than just ignore the allegations, Andy came out and answered like a true politician, categorically deflecting questions by the media and his peers. Considering the recent history of presidents number 45 and 46, this puts him right in line to be number 47. Well, 48 if Sleepy Joe enters his eternal slumber mid-term.

At least Anthony Weiner was somewhat expected solely based on his name. These Cuomo allegations came out of nowhere. Well, they were initially brought up in December, but no one cared until another woman came forward at the end of February.

Now we sit at three and as they say, “Once is chance, twice is coincidence, third time’s a pattern.”

Hopefully no more women fall victim to the governor, as then my cliche saying would no longer apply.

Cuomo was born in Queens in 1957 to Matilda and Mario Cuomo, the latter of which, a lawyer, later became the 52nd Governor of New York. Throughout his reign, Andrew has been praised for his good old New York persona, never taking no for an answer.

As a New York-born Italian American, Cuomo was likely named for Saint Andrew, one of the apostles of the big man himself, Jesus Christ. Anyway, Saint Andrew’s brother was Saint Peter, the dude who guards Heaven’s gate to this day. For analogy’s sake, that would make Cuomo’s brother, CNN talking head Chris, the guardian of the gates. It will definitely be interesting to see the Cuomo Prime Time episode where they cover these allegations, as it may decide if Andrew gets his eternal salvation.

Keeping with my analogy, much like Saint Andrew served Jesus, Cuomo worked under another, more successful politician from 1993 to 2001, when he served in President Bill Clinton’s administration. All Cuomo has been doing is carrying on the teachings of his own savior.

All of these political ties should lead Cuomo directly into office, as they did in 2010 when President Barack Obama asked then Governor David Paterson to give way for the Cuomo train pulling into station.

We must keep in mind these allegations could just be a political ploy. Cuomo has been under fire for nearly a year due to his handling, or mishandling, of the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. New York state currently leads the United States in pandemic-related deaths, thanks in no small part to his initiatives that forced nursing homes to treat COVID-19 patients. This led to numerous outbreaks, and unfortunately costing many seniors their lives.

Cuomo publishing a New York Times bestselling book about his actions during the pandemic rubbed me the wrong way. Titled “American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic,” the 300-plus page book was the first bestseller to be written entirely in crayon and is filled with illegible scribblings and features the word “None” 2,364 times.

I, for one, am looking forward to his next publication, titled “American Success: Leadership Lessons from a Lifetime of Failing Upwards” which will hopefully be written in the Oval Office.

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