Disclaimer: This is a strictly satirical opinion piece that does not reflect the beliefs of The Montclarion in any way.
Teenagers and young adults are going through the most difficult time in our lives, yet we are forbidden free treats on Halloween because of our age. That, ladies and gentlemen, is both age discrimination and shameful in the eyes of the law.
Before any of you ask, yes, I was told I should be a lawyer when I was a kid. I didn’t know this was code for “you are really annoying and opinionated for a child,” but I’m sticking with it.
I go to school five days a week. I work part-time and do mountains of homework. I am a tax-paying citizen of the United States of America. I am contributing — whether positively or negatively — to our society every single day.
What do 5-year-olds do for our country? When was the last time a kindergartener has had to pay income taxes after being yelled at by senior citizens at a Vietnamese restaurant because their food didn’t come out in five minutes? Never happened. I, on the other hand, have been through this plenty of times.
After all the hardships I’ve endured, adults seriously want to sit there and tell me I can’t walk around in my sexy, Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho” costume and take candy from strangers? Unconstitutional. Unpatriotic. Un-American.
This is America, which we all pretend is the greatest country in the world so as to not rile up the elderly. We deserve the freedom to go door to door, pleading “trick or treat!” knowing we will get a treat. Because lately, all we’ve been getting is tricks.
The trick in question is making Generation Z believe we even stand a chance to make it in America as we struggle with crippling student loan debt, a pandemic, poor healthcare, a rise in mental illness and having to deal with James Corden in every single Broadway musical film adaption.
Why not steer teens and young adults away from depression by showing them the joys of their youth? Why not show these youngsters there are much better things than drugs and substances, such as getting fun-sized M&M’s from the lady your mom has beef with on Facebook?
Not only does trick-or-treating give troubled teens and adults a sense of innocence and joy, but it also prevents them from going out to parties where anything could happen. You end trick-or-treating at 9 p.m. and the sugar crash knocks you out by 9:30 p.m. This way, everyone is safe from the vandalism and illegal activities of rowdy youths.
Just for this one day a year, give us something to be happy about. Then, for the other 364 days you can continue to mess with our livelihoods and ruin generations to come.
Personally, I don’t enjoy trick-or-treating. Walking around in the cold at 8 p.m. in a $20 Party City costume that’s falling apart doesn’t really do it for me.
Do you know what does put a smile on my face? Being an 18-year-old in this day and age and seeing Generation Y having to be kind to me for once, all while they try to hide their rage behind the fakest smile imaginable.
I don’t know what it is about the younger generations that really grinds millennials’ gears. I personally have done nothing wrong, except for driving 55 mph in my development at the same time the school bus drops kids off.
In a time of national uncertainty, we must be a united nation and come together, even if it means having to give the guys who make thirst traps on TikTok free candy. If we can bridge the social divide between generations, we can finally put an end to the stigma around adult trick-or-treating, and if we’re really lucky, James Corden being in every single Broadway musical film adaption as well.