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Life Hall Pipe Burst: Sh*t Happens

by Brian Rooney

Earlier this month, a pipe burst in Life Hall left the building filled with human sewage, a foul smell and hopefully a wake-up call. The bowel movement bonanza occurred on the same day auditions were held for prospective students for the theater and dance programs. If those students were on the fence about attending Montclair State University, their enrollment is now without question.

When I, like the vast majority of my peers, was applying to colleges, whether or not a school was a good fit for me was answered with one simple question: Will this university allow me to have an ongoing relationship with my feces? Whenever I drop the kids off at the water park, I hope that we meet again, but we never do. That is, until now.

A specialist took samples of the contaminated area to test whether that section of the building was still hazardous.The results have yet to come back, but in the meantime, I will have a table set up outside Life Hall selling my own fecal samples for profit so people can extract my DNA and clone their very own me.

Pipe bursts are nothing new to Montclair State, but this is definitely the most entertaining one we have seen yet. There have been two different pipe bursts within the past year in Bohn Hall alone. I remember being a lowly freshman when the first occurred during the spring semester of 2018.

‘Twas a dark and gloomy day already. Young students filled with optimism and naivety went about their daily routines as they soldiered on living in Bohn Hall, the neck tattoo of college dorms.

Bohn Hall, of course, can most accurately be compared to pre-Rudy Giuliani Times Square or just Rudy Giuliani today.

I found myself in the lobby when it happened. Water began spilling out of the elevator shaft the same way Bed Bath and Beyond coupons spill out of the purses of middle-aged white women. I was terrified. Ceiling tiles fell from above me as I, due to the lack of air conditioning, sweated out my daily breakfast, lunch and dinner, which consisted of Sam’s Place pepperoni pizza and Fuze Iced Tea.

Floors 10-13 remained flooded for days. Hundreds of students were left without housing. However, this disaster did give me some new perspective. Like how our university distributes its funds, or what it must have been like living in revolution-era France.

With three major pipe bursts resulting in tens of thousands of dollars in damage within the last year, one would think the university would begin to re-examine the status of its facilities to avoid another incident like this from happening in the future.

However, there are more important things to spend money on, like a $200,000 bronze statue of a bird, or the new, officially licensed Montclair State University parchment paper that comes with your meal at the Red Hawk Diner.

So, with no end in sight to Montclair State’s infrastructure crumbling around its already overcharged students, I believe it is finally time for our school slogan to be updated: “Montclair State University: It’s all here… Even cholera.”



This satirical piece is written by Brian Rooney, a comedy writer for The Montclarion.

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