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Profitable Poultry

by Brian Rooney

Ladies and gentlemen, students, professors, Sam’s place cockroaches, the man with permanent lockjaw that walks up and down Clove Road every single day, we are at monumental crossroads within our society that can only be resolved with the involvement of every American passionately searching for the truth.

Forget Taylor ham vs. pork roll. Forget whether or not Central Jersey exists. This goes far and beyond New Jersey and its highly aggressive and unjustified confidence.

This is Chick-Fil-A vs. Popeye’s. This is the future of the United States of America.

The fried chicken sandwich frenzy has swept through our great nation like a video of a dog dressed as a human. Naturally, I was eager to discover what the hype was all about, so I took the liberty of conducting some field research.

First up, Chick-Fil-A. I have had it dozens of times before, and every time it hits the spot directly. Flaky, tender and served to me by someone who looks like they should be cast in “The Book of Mormon.”

Brian’s verdict? Delicious.


Next up, Popeye’s, the old dog learning new tricks. Obviously, I was skeptical going in. However, despite my past food poisoning related experiences with Popeye’s chicken, I was pleasantly surprised. Not only does it closely rival Chick-Fil-A, but it is available seven days a week.

Brian’s verdict? Also delicious.

My final verdict on this heated matter took a lot of time, effort and honey mustard to arrive at. The final verdict is (drum roll please) that I did not step one foot into either establishment for one second. Why? Because I am not a puppet of benign cultural trends.


The only thoughts circulating around the executives office at Chick-Fil-A during these Twitter wars and customers assaulting and suing for not having their coveted sandwich is, “I cannot believe we are getting away with this.”

Apex Marketing Group released a report that stated Popeye’s received over $23 million in free advertising from this social craze, $23 million that will be put back into factory farming, poor working conditions, unlivable wages and some “special sauce.”

By the way, if you have yet to figure out that all “special sauce” is a chipotle mayo hybrid, you need to stop boiling all your food and refine your pallet.

I understand fast food is a quality, once in a while indulgence, but stop acting like participating in these trends is important. These corporations spend hundreds of millions of dollars on marketing experts who carefully design everything from what new products to introduce to the tiny slips of print ads they hand to you with your meal at the drive-thru.

Corporations do not care about their customers. The only thing they do care about is profiting off of their gullibleness, and not only is it continuing to work, they are thriving at it.

When you burn your shoes because Nike runs an ad campaign with Colin Kaepernick, you are not acting with patriotism, you are acting like a buffoon. You already gave Nike your money. They already won. Do you really think Nike cares about social injustice? Nike CEO, Mark Parker, made $14 million in 2019, 550 times more than that of the average Nike employee.

If Nike really cared about social issues, they would be paying their employees a livable wage. Despite the abundance of public outcry against them this year, Nike’s business grew 11%, with earnings doubling to $4 billion.

Companies like Nike have learned to profit off of our impulsiveness, ignorance and burning desire to be a part of whatever circulates social media platforms. Every time they are tagged in a tweet, that is another tally chalked up in their win column. That being said, please spread the word about my own small business I just started. It is six ply toilet paper, it is necessary, and it is the future.

This satirical piece is written by Brian Rooney, a comedy writer for The Montclarion.

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