Sorry Mr. President, Greenland is not on Realtor.com

By

Published September 4, 2019
A A A Share
The Montclarion
Rebecca Serviss | The Montclarion

This past summer, I visited Italy and met my aunts, uncles and cousins that I had never met before. Immersing myself in my ancestral culture and learning of my family history made me not only proud of my heritage, but more proud to live in a country filled with individuals who come from all different backgrounds equally unique, culturally vibrant and important to the fabric of the United States.

One night during an after-dinner conversation that I could not understand or contribute to, my mother’s cousin Augusto spoke for the first time. There was a dip in the conversational flow and he said to my parents, brother and I, “So…Trump?” and a sigh of disappointment and embarrassment filled the crisp northern Italian air.

The latest debauchery coming out of the White House is President Donald Trump’s impulsive desire to purchase Greenland. Trump, of course, received mostly laughs from Americans and Danes alike, but some people continue to have not lowered their expectations of our current commander in bleach. That’s a hair pun.

Does Trump have such an impeccable track record that remarks like these should really surprise us? This is the same man who argued with Marco Rubio through innuendo on live national television.

Rubio made a joke about Trump’s dainty, Charlie-Brown-like hands, saying, “you know what they say about men with small hands…” to which Trump responded, “I assure you there is no problem.” We here at The Montclarion feel this did not get enough attention at the time.

Danish Prime Minister, Mette Frederiksen, responded to Trump’s plan to buy Denmark by calling it “absurd.” Trump responded in typical toddler fashion by canceling his trip to Denmark while also referring to Prime Minister Frederiksen as “nasty.”

The Trump Administration is the best thing to happen to Europe since anytime Boris Johnson gets a haircut. Europe has now realized that it is no longer able to rely on the U.S. as a sensible, levelheaded international presence.

Another reason Trump’s lust for Greenland should not come as a surprise is his past remarks about which kinds of people he wants coming to America. It was reported that Trump inquired as to why most people immigrating to America come from “sh*thole countries” and “we should have more people from places like Norway.”

The one thing I give Trump credit for is that he does not pull any punches. He is 100 percent genuine 100 percent of the time. It’s one thing to disregard entire groups of people based on where they live, but to put the cherry on top by picking what is probably the whitest country on the planet as his preferred demographic shows he just does not care.

Trump lives his life like he just gave his two-week notice at his cashier job at a fast-food restaurant, but instead of two weeks it is four years, and instead of a Taco Bell it is the United States of America, and instead of the two weeks ending with him stealing a double-decker taco and a large Baha Breeze, it ends with him walking arm-and-arm with Vladimir Putin over the charred remains of humanity.

This satirical piece is written by Brian Rooney, a comedy writer for The Montclarion.

 

Join the Conversation