The Biggest College Admissions Scandal of All Time is Less Surprising than a ‘Transformers’ Movie Sucking

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Published March 20, 2019
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The Montclarion
Rebecca Serviss | The Montclarion

Earlier this month, dozens of wealthy actors, business people and other high society figures were charged with counts of fraud for bribing college admissions officials to accept their least qualified children.

Among the corrupted parents are Lori Loughlin of “Full House” and Felicity Hoffman of “Desperate Housewives,” who has apparently had a hard time letting go of her role. The culprits bribed their children’s way into some of the country’s most elite universities, including Yale University, Stanford University, Wake Forest University and many others. Some bribes reached amounts close to $6.5 million.

I would like to take this opportunity to confess that my own admission into Montclair State University was granted to me through a bribe. However, I made it clear that I would only pay the extra million if they could guarantee that no insects would be in the food, so I ended up enrolling like everybody else.

A video surfaced of Loughlin’s daughter and supposed student at the University of Southern California, Olivia Jade, stating how she does not care about school and was only interested in attending college for the experience of partying and game days.

Everyone from high-ranking U.S. politicians to hardworking college students who earned their enrollment are outraged by the scandal. I, on the other hand, am not at all surprised.

These children who are too privileged to work toward their goals prove my long-running theory. If you grow up with money, there is a 99 percent chance you will turn out to be a piece of human garbage, and the extra smelly kind at that. The kind whose stench is so foul and pungent that you have to take it to the outside bin before the bag is even full. A premature twist tie, if you will.

I have already planned out how to disperse my fortune to my children in case I somehow end up a wealthy person. They will receive even portions of whatever money remains after I have the most expensive funeral in the history of death.

Every guest will be served caviar with champagne infused with water from the fountain of youth. I will have a platinum casket with my name written in diamonds on it and my social security number because I am dead now so whatever.

My corpse will be in the casket wearing a bunch of famous movie props. I will be wearing Willy Wonka’s top hat, Marlon Brando’s tuxedo from “The Godfather,” Rocky Balboa’s boxing trunks and the Nike McFly’s from “Back to the Future.” I will also be holding Indiana Jones’s whip in one hand and Darth Vader’s lightsaber in the other.

After the opening prayer, the minister will say, “Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Jay-Z and Kanye West.” Jay-Z and Kanye do the entire “Watch the Throne” show, pyrotechnics included.

Next, Jay-Z will say, “There is only one person who can celebrate Brian’s life with us properly, please welcome, the Pope.” Pope Francis walks in and preaches about how incredibly baller I lived my life. Then he will say, “Brian was always a huge comedy fan, so please welcome, the cast of Seinfeld.”

My children will get about $80 each.

We should all remember this scandal the next time a celebrity tries to tell us how we should feel about whatever the hot political issue is of the time. Maybe we should start formulating our own opinions and not rely on these. Obviously, money and power-driven sociopaths do it for us.

Another thing to remember is that the only thing these semi-talented narcissists care about is raking in millions upon millions of dollars from actual working people so they can buy another foreign summer home, fuel their next vanity project and continue to give their work-shy, empty-headed, hoity-toity piece of poop children whatever they want.

“Full House” was a hack anyway and Kimmy Gibler was even more annoying than her name is to pronounce.

 

This satirical piece is written by Brian Rooney, a comedy writer for The Montclarion.

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