The following article is from an April Fools’ Day edition of The Montclarion.
All of the articles in this edition, though relating to real people or events, are not factual.
This year’s presidential race has been a showcase of everything we would want in a fight for the Oval Office. It has candidates name-calling each other like five-year-old children, promotes notions of devaluing respect of other people’s opinions and demonstrates that obtaining victory is more important than aiming to be a worthy leader of the free world.
Given the professionalism and honesty that the candidates on the Republican and Democratic sides have conducted themselves with over the past year, it is no wonder why we have a plethora of candidates that we can root for and fully put our faith in as the next president.
What is even better, though, is that Hollywood is in full force in getting behind all of these likable, respectable candidates. As much as the opinion and vote of the American public matters, we all know that it is the opinion of a small group of millionaires that is truly important in our country. After all, if any group can relate to the problems that millions of Americans face on a daily basis, it is the Hollywood celebrities who have multiple mansions, lavish boats and their own personal assistants to take care of their daily errands.
Hillary Clinton has a major advantage, because she is getting the endorsements of many of Hollywood’s biggest A-list stars. George Clooney, arguably the biggest star in Hollywood, has put his full support behind the former secretary of state. Clooney and his wife, Amal, hosted a fundraiser for Clinton, and he wrote a letter to fellow Clinton supporters claiming that, “In all of this clutter, there’s been one consistent voice. A voice of tolerance and experience, from a candidate who’s spent a lifetime fighting for the rights of the less fortunate. That candidate is Hillary Clinton.”
Clooney is absolutely justified in his opinion, because Clinton is a perfect person who has by no means done anything to make the public question her trustworthiness. This is only good news for Clinton, as the last project that Clooney put this amount of faith into was the sci-fi adventure film “Tomorrowland.” Now, we all know that “Tomorrowland” was not a total flop with critics and audiences, nor for that matter was his most iconic film, “Batman & Robin.”
Also on Clinton’s side is Katy Perry, pop singer and star of the universally acclaimed cinematic treasure, “Katy Perry, Part Of Me.” Perry has shown her support for Clinton by appearing at Clinton’s campaign rallies, pushing her 85 million Twitter followers to vote for Clinton and even performing concerts to raise money for Clinton’s campaign fund. Perry and her army of dancing sharks are going to make serious waves for Clinton’s presidential campaign, turning all of the competition into fish food. If Clinton wins the presidential election, I think we all know who she will get to sing at her birthday party.
Watch out Clinton, because fellow Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has some significant backers that are “Feeling the Bern.” Sanders gained the endorsements of incredibly relevant stars of today like Danny DeVito, Sarah Silverman and director Spike Lee. Lee, who has made nothing but hit films since “Malcolm X” in 1992, has made it clear that the American public should “Do the Right Thing” and cast their vote for Sanders to lead the United States. Mark Ruffalo also voiced his support for Sanders, but who cares about that guy? Ruffalo has not starred in any major blockbusters or critically acclaimed films in the past few years like Silverman or DeVito have. When it comes to voting in these elections, you have to put your trust in the right celebrities.
Most importantly, Republican candidate Donald Trump has an all-star team of celebrities rallying behind the cause of the billion-dollar big mouth. With pop culture phenomenons like Gary Busey, Tila Tequila and Dennis Rodman all publicly supporting the Republican front-runner, only more voters will kneel before Trump thanks to the influence of his larger-than-life supporters.
It gets even better when you realize that wrestling icon Hulk Hogan has stated that he is rooting for Trump in the presidential campaign, even going so far as to say that he wanted to be Trump’s running mate. Given that Hogan just laid the smackdown on Gawker which earned himself a $115 million settlement, candidates on both sides should be quaking in their boots. As Hogan himself would say, “Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Trump-A-Mania runs wild on you?”
There have been a lot of primaries and caucuses over the past few months, but those are nonsensical. I think there should be a special primary exclusive for celebrity voters that should count for twice as many delegates as it would for a regular voter. Celebrities are more important than some common working man, and it is very important that they remember all the little people in the world when they voice their opinions on who should be in the White House at the end of the 2016 presidential race.