Goodbye Donny T, Hello Joey B!

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Published November 12, 2020
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The Montclarion
Ian Long | The Montclarion

Disclaimer: This is a strictly satirical opinion piece that does not reflect the beliefs of The Montclarion in any way.

The coronavirus (COVID-19) is no longer the only airborne effect as winds of change sweep through the nation. A new president has been crowned and it is time to welcome back old friends and say goodbye to the new ones that we made along the way.

Despite your feelings on President Donald Trump, you have to admit that his lack of concern for just about everything was quite admirable; he treated the pandemic like college students treat suspiciously placed cold sores, that is, ignoring them in the hopes that they go away. Eight months later, the cold sores remain, but you have to appreciate the gamble.

The boldness required to blatantly lie was nothing short of remarkable; not to mention the incredible ability to turn around and dispute actual facts. There have to be times where he knew he was wrong, but Donny stuck to his guns. Say what you will about the man, but no one else has the cojones to pull that off.

Not only will Trump be leaving office, but so will his employees and children Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric. The Trumps truly were America’s royal family during the past four years, prying the mantle from the Kardashians. This just goes to show that anything is possible with a little nepotism.

Also on the outs will be Vice President Mike Pence, the ultimate yes man. He listened to all of the crazy rants with a straight face and then delivered clarifying statements. We could all use a friend like Mike. What I would have given to be a fly on his head during one of their meetings.

Now, in comes former Vice President Joe Biden, victorious by way of not being Trump. He is the kid from high school that you think is a narc; a bit too old to be cool, so you know he is hiding something. Much like Trump, he seems one slip away from blurting out a racial slur. At his age and after numerous campaign trail blunders, we would be lucky to make it four years without one. He might be lucky to make it four years at all.

Speaking of narcs, Kamala Harris is our new Vice President. In California, she handled marijuana charges at incredibly high rates, but found time to indulge in some of the Dank Sinatra herself. Somehow, she is the lone exception to ACAB.

Women running for VP are now one for two. Men sit just above .500 in that regard, losing 58, but winning 59. Thus far, America has not had a woman president, but Joe should watch his back.

Men would actually be dead-even in vice presidential races, if not for the election of 1840. Incumbent President Martin Van Buren went for it without a running mate because everyone hated his previous VP, double innuendo Richard Johnson. The Doc Brown look-alike, Van Buren, wound up losing to William Harrison, who in fact had two vice presidential candidates. And we think that politics are bad nowadays.

My only source for the above fun fact was Wikipedia, so I may be wrong. Make sure to verify everything you read, but you should be used to doing that by now. Pertaining to the election, everyone used reputable sources for everything that they have posted on social media, regardless of their political affiliations, right? Great, I am glad to see that our democracy is firing on all cylinders and preventing the spread of misinformation.

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