Our COVID-19 Conclusion

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Published October 31, 2020
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The Montclarion
Ian Long | The Montclarion

Disclaimer: This is a strictly satirical opinion piece that does not reflect the beliefs of The Montclarion in any way.

Good news everyone, the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic is over. The know-it-alls down at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention might tell you otherwise, but they cannot make choices for us. America is the land of liberty, and as a free man, I have decided to officially declare an end to the pandemic.

Giving up those last few months of the spring semester was understandable and the extended spring break was just what I needed. The stress of being a communication and media arts major had really started to take its toll. Like my fellow students, I took advantage of the pass-fail option and ceased all coursework that was not readily available on Quizlet. But there was no way in hell I was giving up my summer because someone’s granny might get the sniffles.

Babes, beaches and brews are always on the menu and grouchy ol’ Fauci wants to keep me locked up? If he is so worried about the flu, he can keep playing Dungeons and Dragons in the National Institute of Health’s basement, but I have got a life to live. I will play the odds on a disease as deadly as the common cold. As the “Rocky IV” villain, Ivan Drago, almost said, “If I die, I die.”

It is kind of hypocritical of “Dr.” Fauci, whose medical credentials I have yet to verify, to keep us indoors while he has the best summer of his life; out and about, throwing out mediocre first pitches, accumulating IMDb credits and salivating over the lucrative book deal he will sign once someone else develops a vaccine.

Meanwhile, proven scientific geniuses such as Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein remain silent on the matter. Bill Nye has chimed in, but next year him and I will have the same level of education, so take his advice with a gargantuan pile of salt.

At least that knucklehead, Gov. Phil Murphy, knew to keep our state’s beaches open. A great choice that reminded me a lot of Mayor Vaughn from “Jaws.” That man was a true patriot who cared about his citizens and more importantly, the economy. The movie gets kind of boring after that though, and they took it off of Netflix, so I never got around to finishing it.

On a side note, did anyone else know Chris Christie was not in office anymore? I totally thought that being the governor of New Jersey was a lifetime deal, like the pope or the dalai lama.

Anyhow, I come back to campus in August and they try to test me for COVID-19, like I am some kind of fool. We all know that you cannot get it if you are not tested, just like any other STD.

Next, they tell me masks are mandatory; kind of ridiculous if you ask me. Acting like this tiny piece of paper is going to prevent the spread of a disease, when all it actually does is prevent the flow of oxygen. Trying to breathe in a mask is like trying to file your own taxes – impossible. It is much easier to just pay the fine and move on. Luckily, I had shin splints in high school, so I am exempt from wearing one.

Personally, I cannot wait for this publicity stunt to end on Nov. 3, Fauci-bot to power down and the world to stop this charade.

If anyone wants to grab a bite before then, I will be at Cuban Pete’s.

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