The following article is from an April Fools’ Day edition of The Montclarion.
All of the articles in this edition, though relating to real people or events, are not factual.
Montclair State University is filled with some very important people, and it only seems fitting that the university is beginning to recognize this.
Just this week, Montclair State announced its plan to roll out VIP parking in all parking lots for students who are involved on campus.
Students seeking to obtain VIP parking would need to be involved in a student organization at Montclair State for 1,000 hours a week.
A press release on the changes stated that students would need to complete 1,000 hours a week with an organization in order to “prepare themselves for the harsh, unforgiving realities of the world which they will face upon graduation.”
It has been rumored that VIP parking would be assigned to involved students based on their love for Rocky the Red Hawk. Students who possess a deep connection to the feathered mascot will get first pick of the VIP spots. Those who consider Rocky just an acquaintance will go next and those who are terrified of the bird will, unfortunately, get the last choice of VIP spots, if any are still available.
Reports have shown that student involvement on campus has dwindled in the last few years, so this change will only encourage students to get involved. Student involvement on campus makes undergrads three times more employable to future bosses and two times less likely to suck.
Even though 1,000 hours of involvement a week does seem like a lot of work, it really will prepare each Montclair State student for the hell that will become their job for the next 40 years. This new arrangement makes it very apparent that the university wants the best for its students, and this is clearly one of best ways for students to become employable graduates.
The addition of VIP parking spots may well be the push students need. A poll conducted on the state of parking at Montclair State found that 100 percent of students want a parking spot to call their own. This gives them the opportunity to do so. Some have even gone as far as to purchase decorations for the VIP spot they hope to obtain.
At this point, only three students are eligible for VIP parking, but the university is hopeful more students will begin to apply with time.
This change has been met with a tremendous amount of backlash from commuter students, as they believe that VIP parking will leave them with less parking. While many commuters have sent their messages of opposition to the administration, a Montclair State official said, “Good. Now the commuter students actually have something to complain about.”