The following article is from an April Fools’ Day edition of The Montclarion.
All of the articles in this edition, though relating to real people or events, are not factual.
I propose something that Montclair State can believe in. I propose something that satisfies that fast-food itch without needing to depend on Ronald McDonald. I propose Wendy’s.
If you don’t have a car, the most convenient fast-food place to get to from campus other than McDonald’s is the Wendy’s near Clifton Commons, and even then you need to cross a busy street. The Shopper’s Shuttle will not take you there, no matter how much you try to bribe the driver with promises of the nuggets from your 4-for-$4 deal. Instead of going out of our way to get food from Wendy’s, we must go out of our way to get Wendy’s itself — we must uproot the building and place it on the roof of Car Parc Diem, where there will be ample room for it.
It will not be an easy task. First, the funds must be allocated for the purchase of that particular Wendy’s — a tuition hike for a semester will likely be sufficient to cover the cost. The harder part of the process is carting the whole building over to Montclair State. The building will likely have to be split into several pieces so it can be carried on many trucks.
No employees from the restaurant will need to be fired, and it’s entirely possible that the whole process will result in the creation of several jobs ranging from construction to burger flipping.
In addition to the economic boost from the job creation going on here, there will be an incentive for students to get free hot drinks — they really get you going — if they purchase over $4 dollars of merchandise and wear a “ROCKY THE RED HAWK HAS A POSSE” t-shirt.
You may be wondering, “Why Wendy’s? Why not Burger King or Smashburger?” While I am sure Smashburger’s smashed burgers are delicious, they are more expensive than Wendy’s. Wendy’s has good food no matter how much money you have — starting from the humble value menu’s single cheeseburger and ending at the almighty Dave’s Hot and Juicy burgers. As for Burger King, while it would take roughly the same monetary amount and effort to uproot the Burger King in Little Falls or Clifton, it would also prove legally impossible considering those two locations are historic landmarks that bring in roughly 25 percent of New Jersey tourism revenue.
Two score and six years ago, Dave Thomas began the realization of his dream of delivering hot, juicy burgers to the macrocosm of the world. Now, we must bring said burgers into the microcosm that is Montclair State, along with Frostys, chili and the myriad of other delicious menu items. In fact, a Frosty sounds pretty good right now. Let’s go get some Frostys.