DISCLAIMER: The following article is an April Fools’ Day article. Though it may relate to real people or events, it is not factual.
Students complained, and Donald Trump listened. On the heels of mounting complaints over Montclair State University’s parking, Trump scheduled an unplanned rally at the university to settle the issue once and for all. The Republican front-runner had one clear, unwavering message to the students of Montclair State: “Make Montclair State Parking Great Again.”
Trump issued the sharpest criticism of the parking situation to date, and The Montclarion transcribed the event in it’s entirety:
“Wow! Wow. Look at all these students. Thousands,” Trump began after the raucous applause died down. “You know, I came to this campus — it’s a tremendous campus. Beautiful campus. I have to tell you, and you know this better than me, the parking is horrible. Absolutely horrible. There’s terrible traffic. You can’t find a spot, and it’s a disaster.
“You look at the deals your president has done and it’s a disgrace. Horrible deals. There’s an empty lot right over there that’s being leased to a car dealership. How can you do that? How can you do that? There’s tremendous traffic and your president gave away free parking. People need spots. Your president doesn’t have a clue. How stupid is she?
“The parking decks are horrible. How can thousands of students park there? You can’t. The parking is bad, folks. Real bad.
“I’m going to do the right thing for you. I will make Montclair State parking great again. We have to do it. We have to do something. I’m going to make parking bigger and larger and better, and you are going to love it. You are going to be so proud.
“I would build a great parking deck, and nobody builds parking decks better than me — believe me. I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great parking deck in Lot 60. And I will make the town of Montclair pay for that parking deck. We’re going to build more parking. Real parking. Big league parking.
“We have to get back to rebuilding this university, which is falling apart. Calcia is a disgrace. It’s so cold in there my hands turned blue — and I have great hands,” Trump showed his hands to the crowd and continued. “I have beautiful hands. But what’s happening in Calcia is a disgrace. Terrible. Absolutely horrible.
“If you don’t have parking, you don’t have a university. Remember that. It’s terrible. They took away resident parking to give to commuters. I have to tell you folks, it’s a disgrace. They can’t take away parking. Your university president is all talk, no action. You have to add more parking. You absolutely have to.
“You watch. If I get elected, this will all take place. Believe me, folks, we will do very, very well. You’ll have big, beautiful parking decks with thousands of spots. Thousands. It will be a beauty. We all want the same things I think. Very simple. I will make Montclair State parking great again.”
Students were in awe that their parking concerns finally had a voice. Chris Tinton, a junior political science major, said, “I disagree with most of Trump’s policies, but if he can make parking great again, he has my vote.”
Whether Trump can follow through with his proposal is unknown. Regardless, the parking will remain dismal for the time being, and students will have to duke it out to find a parking spot.